14th June - Upton Pyne Village CP - Groucho

Here's the Blog according to Sorepoint - with help at the pub from Stat Nav, Oddbitz, Fruity Bitz, and Titbitz.
36 beings assembled for this weeks hash ably set by Groucho and assisted by Twin Peaks. There had been some confusion even at this point, as Paperwork and I (Sorepoint) had thought it was our turn this week, but apparently our offer had co-incided with Tampa's e-mail going down and so he never got the message. Never mind, gave me another lie-in, our turn will come round again soon enough, I'm sure. We were introduced to one new runner - Leah. It was so kind of her to drag her grandfather Isosceles along. Groucho announced it was laid in flour, on the right and there would be three Long/Short splits - I think his maths has deserted him as I'm sure there were at least five or six splits along the way.
Anyway, on to the hash. It was called right out of the car park and on down a little lane to the left. Another check found Stat Nav checking right but not calling at all. This was a little strange, as the hasher behind him was calling well - on one, on two, on on .. still no call from Stat Nav out in front - his sunglasses were filtered incorrectly and completely filtered out the white flour - or perhaps, had he worn the X-ray vision ones today instead??? Lots of hash halts to keep the pack together and quite a few fishooks where the first 5 were sent back to the hare. The same culprits kept coming back - don't they ever learn that their shoe laces need tying after a long stretch. Quickly on to the first of many Long/Short splits. I went long and found myself running 3 sides of a corn field with no flour in sight then all the way along a very very very muddy track, also with no flour. Co-incidentally the hare didn't have muddy feet - me thinks he just sent us on a wild goose chase and hadn't checked this bit out at all! Talking of wild geese, we did have a treat at the re-group (and it wasn't the sweeties - only 3 bags and one sort repeated - very bad form!) when a normal person (?) walked past with a Hawk on his arm. Beautiful creature and lucky he was on a lead or he'd have been swooping for our licorice. Tail lamp played a trick on X Bitz at this point, pretending that Tampa had punched him and knocked a tooth out - when it was only liquorice blacking up his tooth. Of course, X Bitz had no trouble believing the former story, and had to be pursuaded that it wasn't in fact correct.
Off we went after the regroup up the hill and long/short split around Brampford Speke and past the Lazy Toad. Here we lost Oddbitz for a quick one, but the trail didn't stop and he was pulled away, kicking and screaming! Just around the corner Isosceles did his David Bellamy impression pointing out some wild strawberries growing at the side of the road! Tit Bitz found she needed to relieve herself and hopped over into a field, only to come running out again frantically pulling up her shorts, wailing that the tractor driver in the field had seen her in all her glory. You too can find this field, it's the one where the lines are all wavy instead of nice and straight! I expect the incident has already been reported in the Brampford Speke Gazette. There must be something in the air, as in a field near the river a bit further on, there was a couple trying to hide in the long grass, we all thundered past shouting On-On and two little faces appeared over the grass - they were hoping for a nice quiet grope on a Sunday morning, and then their peace is shattered, well and truly by the hash. After another long/short split with truly viscious nettles round the edge of the field, and the assistant hare trying to confuse the front runners even more by leading the them the wrong way, we arrived back at the Village hall for the circle. There were lots of fines today, and I can't remember all of them, but Paperwork was fined for calling on-on on only two blobs, which he strongly denies (blaming Dobby instead) and Dobby and Haggis were fined for changing before the circle. Most of the other fines went to X-Bitz, or Tit Bitz - not sure which and neither was their father - Oddbitz, who should be fined for confusing his own daughters. Thank you Groucho for a very well laid trail (except on the muddy bits!) and On-On to 4 Firs next week.

NOTE FROM ED: I believe a fine is definitely due in retrospect for Paperwork who decided to drop his drawers then bend over right in front of Horny Woman, Ring Piece and Tuned In! They drove off looking more than a little unwell!


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